For Pat,Pat----An hour in my head.

Why do they keep calling me a whore?
Because I don't work, have a steady income?
Because my arms and legs work?
Mentally I feel disabled.
I do not want leave the house for fear of mentally getting punched in the head.
Of course, there is no place safe.
How depressing, I can not think of a safe place.
Where would I be safe?
Because I live off the government?
Because I am not really ill?
This is what has been created for me, And I"M  to blame?
Let's not forget how ungrateful I am......
Listen?
Too voices?
I just heard "Fuck Her".
Why am I so hated?
I don't even know you....You don't know me?
"yeah right".
The psychologist would say, "well, the heater is making white noise."
Was that a "Wrong"?
I hear that often too.
Should I listen to a voice that calls me a "whore"?
Or perhaps it was "Whining".
Guilt and ungratefulness again...."YEP".
Well, I really have nothing better to do.  "Fuck YOU".
I couldn't even keep a job right now......"I don't care".
Is all this to prove I'm whimpy?
People deal with much worse stuff.
Dr. Maguire said I was definitely disabled.
But that doesn't mean I can't do something for 2 hours a week, it would have to be volunteer...no one hires for 2 hours a week.
I just feel so unstable all the time.
Anne said, "If you work Beth, you are crazy,"
"Wrong"?
Yeah right, what does she care, she has a husband.  "pussy".
What about the coffee....that must be it says the psychologist.
Now the voice says, "Right!"
Well am I right or wrong?
I'd like to listen to some music right now, but they really swear at me when I do that.
Evie is home---Why does this make me paranoid all of a sudden?
Is there danger?--Could be?  Does Evie place the pens?
"Creepy"....a little bit
Fixed another coffee---the kitchen floor is really creeky, that must be why Evie always hears me.
"Yep."
Should I, Could I, be utterly catatonic?
Evie calls--she sounds happy.
Relief
A car honks---What did that mean?  It always means something.
Voices I can't make out...sounds like "Fuck you...and Whore."
I can hear the mubles from Evies t.v.
Precious just ate, she will probably sleep now.
Great now the hummmm of the fridge...making me succeptable to more voices.
Now I am concentrating.  "Good".
I can hear my own gusts twisting.
Have another cigarette--boredom/concentration....I heard a "screw you" at that comment...so guilt for smoking, but I tell myself I can not care about everything.
"HO."
Yelling outside...yelling at me?
Please don't read my journal.
Safety? Privacy?
Never alone and always self conscious.
Yeah, I can work right now, I'll get right on it.
What is a schedule?
"Whore."
I need to check the propane.  I don't want to.
I am afraid.
I don't want to run into those yucky old men who comment on my "street walking".
"OK Beth."
I gotta pee, too much coffee...Come up for some fresh air and check the mail.  "HO". 
"You Are."
I hear that a lot too.

quotes mean voices