The Lioness--A Bright Light

         I have this friend or should I say "had" this friend, an  exboyfriend actually.  He revels in absurdities, vulgarities, and obsencities.  Most the time I would laugh along with him while he was making his crude jokes.  I thought he was pretty funny until he aimed his vulgarities at me.  He couldn't have hurt me more if he sliced open my guts, stabbed me in the heart with a penn knife and twisted it, and decapitated me. 
        After our conversation, there was depression and psychosis.  As I eyed my meds nervously wondering which one would do the job of putting me to sleep forever.  I felt tramatized by what he said, and how it related to my psychosis.  My voices mocking me the whole time, I stalked away from my meds refusing to cry.  They laugh at me when I cry.  Blankly drawing little flowers over and over in my journal, I couldn't write much about it.  Not crying causes my heart freeze up into a solid block of ice.  The parts left beating cry out, "STOP! This HURTS!"

         I have to lay down now, it's probably 3 am but I can't sleep.  I can at least pretend I'm resting and being boring so the people watching me might piss off.  The aching beats of my heart make me wish I would just have a heart attack and done with it.  But there is a voice inside my head that says, "It's not time."  So I think, "What if I just lay here for a few days? Would anyone notice?"  Again the voice in my head reminds me, "you need cigs and the cat needs food."   I contemplate going out for these things, however the fear has me in it's grip.  All night I've been telling myself, "I have to do this alone.  I can't bug my family anymore.  I'm going to be alone someday.  I need to learn to deal with this.  Emergency Services does nothing and I don't feel like going to the ER.  I have to make it through this voices mocking me and all."

         By 8am I can't take it anymore and decide to go talk to mom.  First stopping in a store for cigs.  In the store a man eyes me and says loudly, "I DON"T CARE!"  My heart sinks, how can people not care if you're suicidal?  God people are mean. 

          I'm at mom's bedside by 8:30 am.  "Mumma, wake up, I need to talk."  Half awake she says, "Ok, put on a pot of coffee."  We sit at the kitchen table and mom still in her morning stupor lets me talk it out and cry. 
".....the pain is the healing, and the tears sting like alcohol."   Slowly the ice around my heart begins to melt and it resumes it's normal beat.  The chest pain subsides as I cry.

           All t:he talking boils down to my ex online is a real jerk for saying what he said, and I'm still upset over my last relationship.  "He doesn't love me anymore Mum! and I still love him!"  At noon I'm back at my apartment still balling my eyes out......"why must I always be alone?...."

        I gather myself together enough to feed the cat and get the mail.  There is a Christmas card in there from an old friend.  The card is full of happy pictures we took recently.  I smile happily at these and whisper to my friend, "Thank you, I love you."  I guess I lost a friend, but another was right there for me, just in time to make my day.  "YAY! Sunshine!"  This is my friend the Leo.  Now I'm going to speak in terms of astrology, because I love it......Deal with it.

ENTER:  THE LIONESS

The scene is the prairie at high noon.  The lioness, her mate, and her adopted cubs are all sunning themselves lazily enjoying the sun and napping.  The lioness is roused from her slumber.  "What am I going to do about this girl?"  she thinks....

She walks over to the shaded area at the edge of the fields, she looks in amoung some rocks,  " Come out of your deep, dark pitt of despair, Your Wretchedness!"  she commands.  When the queen of fire summons you- you tend to listen.  Sluckily I slither out of my darkness.  The Lioness--"You should sun bathe."  This is all she says and jogs back to her pride.  As I coil myself in the sun and contemplate the brightness, meditating on the lioness and how generously she takes care of the ones she loves.  It fills me with warmth thinking about our friendship.  Gently the sun soothes my dark spell.  "I guess it's not so bad, I think, I have lion friend.  I'm not so alone."  Slowly but surely the snake sheds her bitter skin and morphs and morphs in the sun until she is The Lady Eagle and flying high over the prairie again.